Good afternoon, Wednesday. It's a heaven sent day in New York today...gorgeous beyond belief and if I didn't know better, I'd swear there was an ocean breeze in Brooklyn. To me, it feels the way the west side of LA feels- the breeze, the no cloud in the sky thing, the comfortable temperature. Yes, please. I'm happy.
But in the interest of transparency, happiness is not how I would describe my state of mind of late. I know you're supposed to be all chirpy chirps on social media, but lately I've been feeling a bit lackluster. OK, more than a bit.
And to be honest, I feel like a complete donkey for feeling less than stellar. I'm freelancing at a great company, I have a beautiful apartment with a yard, a fantastic husband, a great dog,nice clothes, new lipstick, good hair products. I know in my heart of hearts how lucky I am, when so many people are suffering, really suffering, and I myself am far from that.
So what gives? I think I forgot one key fact about living in New York- you simply never STOP. I am so in my head all the time about where I'm going next, how I'm going to get there, who I'm going to meet there, how it'sgoing to propel me to the next place after that. I'm having a huge problem simply being- not necessarily standing still, but just existing and not getting too attached to every little thing along the way. If you live here long enough, you'll notice that things that may not annoy you other places REALLY annoy you here- for instance, I am freelancing on a high floor of a building, the top floor actually, and the elevator makes local stops- on every floor. By the time I get to my floor, I feel rage. It's so stupid to get mad that an elevator is taking too long, isn't it? But that's the curse of this town- we all get so impatient because it's all about getting places, and fast- whether it's to a meeting or to the next phase of our careers, the constant rush takes its toll, and if you're not used to it, you're going to crash, in a post speed bender kind of way. It's not cute.
People here are consumed with getting "there", and will do whatever it takes to do it in the fastest and most aggressive way possible. I too am guilty of such motives, but today I woke up and went outside and took in the blue skies and the warm temps and somehow managed to enjoy just standing there. I've been in New York for about three months now, and I'm not sure I've done that yet. And therein lies my funkiness- because everyone around me is so intent on getting there, nobody is really enjoying the ride. I'm not cool with that, and I'm going to make a real effort in all of this fuss about what to do next and how I'm going to get there to ground myself and stop once in a while and try to force myself to believe that it's ok to slow down in New York from time to time. Of course it isn't, but I'm somehow going to find a way to introduce a non attachment to the future and get very comfy in right now. Iv'e talked about this before, but it's crucial to living a sane and happy life.
A big part of me feels guilty that I could even feel the slightest bit unhappy when I am living and breathing and paying my rent and have my freedom and my health. It's all that worry about the future that makes all of that stuff get marginalized and kicked to the curb. I've often read that countries where people are fiscally poor are more often than not spiritually rich. I am not saying at all there is happiness in being poor- but perhaps worrying about the future and how to get promoted and how to navigate the often murky waters of office politics are the provenance of the lucky ones that get to take nice vacations, buy good handbags, and not have to worry where their next meal is coming from. If you are fortunate enough to have a job, obsess about losing 10 pounds, or show concern over what to eat for dinner amidst so many choices, you're one lucky bastard. How can that not be enough to make us happy? On days like today, it is. Because I'm grateful for the weather and the sun shining and simply enjoying the now, and I advise you to do the same, hard as it is. If you spend your life angling and fixing on how to arrive, you really never will get there.
Cause that's what's up this delicious afternoon live from sunny Manhattan, right here right now. There's no other place I'd rather be, because tomorrow is simply that. All the love for the present. XO