Good morning, Friday. It's a glorious day in New York City- the kind of day that makes you thank your lucky stars that you get to live in such an amazing bubbling cauldron of energy. Or that's just me...if you're fortunate enough to be here today, it's truly spectacular.
It's been a weird week for news- I'm sure I'm not the only one obsessed with zombie attacks, and I know I'm not the only one more than intrigued by Mayor Bloomberg's FATwa on sugary beverages that are bigger than 16 ounces. A friend of mine wrote a great blog post yesterday about how all of this zombie talk and face eating shows how much we are all trying to regain control (http://chaunceyzalkin.tumblr.com/post/24145404005/miamicannibal), and Bloomberg's ban on big gulp sized bevvies is proof positive that somebody's trying to be in charge of our out of control habits that lead to big time illness. I'm not one for such restrictions myself- I'm a grown up and if I want a big drink, so be it. I appreciate the intention, but not sure how I feel about my mayor telling me how much I can drink, smoke, or anything else. But there are some things I would ban if I was in charge, so thought it would be fun to write a fiver that speaks to some things I think should be outlawed, and I'm sure you have a few of your own, but here goes:
The Kardashians- can we ban these awful people already? Or at least ban them from making any more money or achieving any more fame? I'm so bloody sick of these tacky, nouveau gross individuals. Go away and stay away- pretty sure this won't happen though, and if the zombie apocalypse is indeed upon us, you can rest assured that these horrid individuals will be the last ones standing. Cockroaches and Kardashians...
Short or rolled up pants on men- People of Earth- what the hell is up with this? Everywhere I go, I see men in rolled up, prissy pants. I don't like this look- short mans on men, eww. Just wear shorts. Or pants. Do not try and combine the two. It sucks. There are of course, a few exceptions of note- if you are one of the lucky gents that can pull off a nerdy Thom Browne suited silhouette, jaunty and dandified hats off to you. Most of you can't, so stop trying.
The whole 1890s thing- Yes, I want a ban on moustachios, speakeasies, and suspender clad individuals serving meat. I fear if this keeps up, I'll be expected to churn butter and I'm not down with that. Can we fast forward to now please? You can still drink things that are bourbon infused and devour your thickly cut slabs of bacon, but can we stop with this musty, sawdust ridden retro thing? I'm tired of it. Maybe just fast foward to the 1920s? Was a cooler time and pretty sure people smelled better then.
Double strollers in Trader Joes at rush hour- Please. Please ban this. It's inevitable that as I get home from wherever I am and need to pop into Trader Joe's for whatever, there's about sixteen post IVF's in yoga pants buying frozen shelled edamame with a double or triple stroller in tow, thus rendering it impossible to get by for those of us who have no choice to shop but during rush hour, the most harrowing time of day in stores such as TJ's. Can we have kiddie hours or something? I can't bear it, in particular the entitled look I get from the moms, who somehow feel a double wide load is acceptable at the busiest time of the day. Ugh.
People that tie their dogs to the outside of Starbucks or anywhere else- This is a big one for me- I HATE when people do this- there's no way I'd tie up my little munchface for anyone to take him while I pay for my overpriced latte or some such. Why on Earth do people do this? Drives me crazy for real. It's almost ok if it's a big dog that can scare off a would be dog thief, but anyone who leaves a little guy or girl unattended should be banned from owning a dog, and that's that. Always makes me so sad.
There are of course a million other things that deserve an embargo, but that's all I've got for now, cause that's what's up this giving the gas face to anything that really sucks kind of Friday. Hey C train, step up your game. Your several moments of stopping in the tunnel during yesterday's evening rush may have me quitting you in no time. All the love and happy weekend. XO