Good morning, Wednesday. No way around it- today's my birthday. And I'm feeling the feels.
Supposedly some craziness in Capricorn is making me emotional and I'll admit- I'm a bit of a puddle today. Not sad, necessarily. Just emotional. I hate the cliche of being introspective on one's birthday, but it's unavoidable. One thing that keeps coming up for me is the notion of nurture. Or what it means to feel nurtured.
For me, nurturing myself always meant buying myself lovely clothes, shoes, skincare. It could also mean drinking too much or eating too much or indulging just too much I have always been a bit of a hedonist/pleasure-seeker so that's a slippery slope for me. Because true nourishment/nurturing of body and soul comes from taking care of yourself. And when you start eating right, for instance, it may feel like deprivation but it's really what you need to feel your best and be your best. And the constant bombardment of Instagram and Amazon Prime Day and an endless loop of emails promoting a hyper manic sales cycle, you can't help but feel manipulated by all of the messaging. Like, maybe I really do need those Gucci shoes. Because they're discounted. And yea, you should buy the shoes sometimes. But not all the time. For me to feel nurtured, it's not about having less a la Marie Kondo, it's just about spending less and having more time, money, and security. That's real nourishment. This is the shit you realize as you get older. Wild, right? Maybe I really don't need to be the girl with the most cake...
They say your cells and wiring change every 7 years. I'm at the end of a pivotal 7-year cycle and I can absolutely feel the changes coming. It's almost a non-negotiable now to live a more authentic life. And some lifestyle changes come with that. As do staff changes. I can no longer tolerate people that deplete me. There are levels of course. But I have to honor the fact that I'm an empathic, highly sensitive woman. And when those frequencies battle my own, see ya. I can't. And I won't.
I've been dedicated to writing my own stuff more and more and that will be a huge focus for me for the next several years and beyond. I've broken ground on a whole new website/blog and I'll be sharing that with all of you come September. I'm feeling great about all of this and am strong in my intentions.
When I'm on a mission, I'm on a mission. And my friends, I am on a major mission. Change is always scary for me but when I'm ready, I'm ready. I've ripped off a ton of band-aids this year. And now it's time to heal. Very grateful for this chance, and this time of life. I've never felt more connected to my deepest, happiest self. HIppie shit or no hippie shit it's true. I like to think that this year, blowing out the candles means more than wishing for something new- it means blowing out the old stuff I don't need to clear the way for moving forward.
Oh and here are a few things about my style that I'm seeing as the clock nears 50. (Not there yet. Yikes. Almost). Let's call this section "not intos" as in "no longer into it". I think there are so many rules we subscribe to women of a certain age, and I'm having none of them. You'll see what I mean:
I'm not into high heels. I haven't been in a long time but those days are long gone. Long. I need to feel like I can move, run, and above all, be comfortable. That's that.
I'm not into anything overly dainty. It's funny- I've always loved very dainty jewelry and although I still wear my tiny star of David every day, I'm into bigger pieces of jewelry. Not more expensive, that's not what I'm staying. Just larger in scale, substantial if you will. That's where I'm at. Dainty feels too much like a little girl right now. And I'm far from that place.
I'm not into shapeless clothes. There was a time over the past several years that I wore clothes that felt potato-sack like. I'm talking to you, COS and stores of that ilk. I know when women get older, they tend to gravitate towards this look, and it is extremely chic. But because of my rebellious nature, I'm going the other way. I'm wearing shorter things. I'm wearing more body-skimming things. I'm into looks that feel a little sexier somehow and show the shape, and more importantly, honor the body I'm in. That's what I'm in the mood for, and it has little to do with being skinny, fat, or anything else. I'm just in the mood for less Eastern bloc attire. This is counter to what most people tell you about getting older but screw 'em. I still love some kaftan realness, though. Don't worry. I'm not crazy.
I'm not into shrinking violets. I know this may be hard for you to believe. But truth be told, I'm shy. Very. Lately, I've been feeling the need to not shy away from how I am feeling. To advocate for what I think is right and fair. Oh, and to dye my hair bright red. That too. Loud and proud I guess. That's where I am. Because of that, I do retreat from time to time. But I'm a Cancer. That's just what we do.
I'm not into rules. I love clothes. I always will. But I hate formality. And it's getting worse as I get older. I hate a fussy hairdo. I hate anything that is too "just right". I like things a little messy. Much like life. And when it comes to formal occasions, I'm going default style. A tuxedo jacket and pants. A simple dress. That's it. Keeping it simple when it comes to formal times. And then going big whenever the heck I feel like it. Like a Simone Rocha tulle dress with my Gazelles. That kind of thing. I'm into that.
So that's my birthday post for you. Onward and such. Busy day today. Looking forward to celebrating with pals tonight at a favorite old haunt. Thanks for all the bday wishes. Love to you all and thanks for being in my life. Cause that's what's up this blowing out the candles kind of Wednesday in the 212. Yours, in onward marching, with a bit of Alice in Wonderland because I remain "curiouser" and "curiouser" for what's to come. XO