Happy Friday. Hope it finds you well...
Tomorrow is a big birthday for me- at least that's what urban legend, Glamour Magazine, and Oprah say. I am trying not to give in to it, but it's hard not to. I remember where I was when I turned 30, both physically and mentally. I was in San Francisco on a stressful project, and then I ended up at my friend's Victorian in the Haight, crying my eyes out while listening to Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks" over and over again. This was a good, purging cry- not a sad for being 30 whimper but more a thank you Lord I am out of my 20s wail of joy. After I wiped away my non waterproof mascara and took the CD off repeat, things got better. Much, much better. Two week after I turned 30, I met my husband. And well, you know the rest. In any event 30 was a deep sigh of relief for me. I did feel different- so hopeful, not as much of a trainwreck courtesy of a drama filled 20s, and ready to grow up a little. And I did. So for those of you about to turn 30, enjoy. It's really transformative and amazing and filled with wisdom.And now, as I perch on the eve of 40 (OMG), I am grateful, freaked out, and incredulous that I am on this precipice. I simply can't believe that I am approaching that point in life where getting out of bed in the morning feels a little different, a hangover feels like Armaggedon, and I can no longer eat whatever I want even though I bust my butt at the gym almost every day. (That's been going on for a while though, that last one...)Inevitably one turns inward at such moments- impossible not to, unless you are stealing your husband's SOMAs for his back and choosing to turn 40 in a muscle relaxed haze (I'm not). Instead, I'm going to face this fucker the best I can. But first, I need to face the very adolescent like zit on my face. On my lip, specifically.Why do I tell you about my unfortunate lip bump? Because to me it's oddly symbolic. Here I am, turning 40, and I get a zit the size of Texas on my face- really? This is important as I haven't had a zit in years. And this one presents much like a 15 year old protuberance. So perhaps it's the Lord's way of saying I'm not that old, that my hormones are still raging enough to land a big red ball on my lip. It's also a weird one because it refuses to pop- I've dutifully blotted with warm compresses, but the damn thing still won't dissolve. Feels a bit like my own life right now- I can feel something bubbling under the surface of my being, but it's refusing to come out and reveal itself, so I lie in wait. I've been feeling this way for a while- right now I am a big old blister of creativity, ideas, and inspiration but can't seem to get out of my own head. Hopefully this will be the year, and hopefully, this little zit on my face will break free as well. (I realize this analogy is a bit of a wonk but give me a break, I'm turning 40 and grabbing at straws...)So as I sit here pondering life and wondering what's next, I'm getting a little bit excited. At 30, I met the man of my dreams. At 40, I hope to fully realize my potential at work, play, and health. Or else I'm going to buy a little convertible and go full throttle into midlife (I dream of a vintage Mercedes). Either way, it really is an odd feeling to be 40; it's hard to write and even harder to say. I found this image this AM and it's not just appropriate for the state of my union, it's perfectly true. I am always in a race with myself to try and figure out where to go, what to do, and who to be. Instead, I am going to try very hard to be in the moment and feel ok with right now. I have never been more at ease with who I am or more confident on what I can share or bring to the people I love and care about. I'm thrilled that people much younger than me come to me for advice- hard to believe I am that person, but feel very blessed that people find me together enough to consult with me about their lives. And much like my pimple, (sorry to bring that up again, I know it's gross) I feel about ready to pop, but in a very good way. And for now, I'm going with being exactly where I need to be, because that's really the only way to deal with life, and this I've learned through experience. It's all a minute by minute thing. So enjoy each of those minutes, because they tick away and before you know it, 40 arrives. But try not to put too much weight on it like the media tells you- it's simply about practicing each moment mindfully and knowing you are exactly where you need to be. I recognize that the situations in my life that make me unhappy are merely that- situations. Overall, I have never been happier about just being myself- it's become much easier to do so. And I'm choosing to look at those aches and pains and laugh lines as battle scars/wounds that are emblems of the journey that got me to this place of ease. It would be impossible to live this life without any wounds or dings, right?I fully expect to freak out a couple of times more about this milestone, as I ponder a future filled with Activia yogurt, dry skin, and Eileen Fisher separates. But for now, I still feel very much like a pimply teen, and I've got the zit to prove it. Tomorrow I am going to look for a puppy, see that Tilda Swinton movie, shop for some vintage to retool, and end the day with dinner at a swank new restaurant with mi amore. That's exactly where I need to be when I turn 40, doing all the things that inspire me and make me happy, and with the person I love more than life itself. And that's what's up this botox free and fortyish Friday in the MIA. Thanks for reading my rants- I enjoy writing this blog more than you can ever know, it helps me to be at ease with being right here, right now. XO (Oh and PS- I am still prescribing laughter as the best medicine for any age group. And I imagine it would be much harder to laugh as heartily at all of life's silliness if I had a face full of botox).